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So imagine you’ve been living somewhere for about eight months. Your neighbor who is rather cute but a douche bag stops you in the hallway and says,You really don’t remember do you?” You stop, a little irritated, and say “Remember what?” The guy laughs a little and shrugs at you. He moves to go to his apartment. “What the hell are you talking about?” You say a little harshly. You’re aggravated by his snarky mouth. He stops, gives you a slow look up and down, “Well, at first I thought you were kidding when I saw you at my door” he starts, “but then I saw you were sleepwalking and you never wake a sleepwalker. So I let you in to lay on the couch. But you didn’t lay down. You jumped me all tongue down my throat and gropey. Then you started undressing yourself and me…..and we…..well….you know…”. You just stare at him in disbelief. ” How could you take advantage of me like that!?!?” You shout at him holding back the urge to punch him. He gives you that shit eating grin and says, “You’re not supposed to wake a sleep walker”

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One time I was dating this girl who was way beneath me in looks. Just plain and simple was. I was dating her because I wanted to have sex, but not with a guy. Because I didn’t know if I really liked it yet. I love the woman figure. It gets me hot to watch porn or even see pictures of. I like to watch a woman get fucked. So I picked her because she was safe, it was a sure thing, and I really needed a constant source of sex.

We were dating…I switched my status on MySpace….. Yeah…..MySpace….to “swinger” and I got a message from this guy who was all “Lol….but really…are you a swinger?”. So I thought…..I dunno maybe I am…..and told him more or less that I was in an experimental stage. He asked for my number……and don’t tell anyone but I let him have it…

The Girl, J, was staying the night with me because my parents were out of town. He calls and asks what I’m doing and we talk casual….then he asks if I have ever had phone sex. I say no. He kinda starts….just like right away and was all ” What would you do if I started kissing you ?” . So I had to reply with “I’d kiss you back”. I learned I was not good at phone sex….but I was trying. We go deeper and more detailed….then the dude is all ” What if there was another guy, and you start sucking him, while I kiss you.”

And my face just dropped and if I had been touching myself I would have stopped. That killed it for me. I just started giggling and I lost it and couldn’t even try to make that sexy. And the guy tried real hard, but it broke. When he realized I was done he asked me to leave the phone on while me and J had sex. I told him there was no inconspicuous way to do that, and she wouldn’t ho for it. He wanted it bad. I was just done
Way too awkward.
So yeah. That happened.

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One time my Mom, Dad, sister and I went on a road trip. We only got about halfway when the car broke down. We pulled over in a hotel and asked if there was a room. There was not. So we slept in the car. When we woke up there was a group of motorcyclists leaving and we got their room. I remember my mom drawing me a bath. In the bath I remember thinking about the motorcycle guys and wondering if they were thinking of me. I made a scenario where they were arguing over whether or not I was using the same soap they were using. Like, “No man she’s using my soap!” And it was a big deal to me because it was the soap they touched their bodies with and I was using it to touch my body.

I think that was my first fantasy……..

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I know that I have done this. But thinking about how drunk or fucked up young girls get scares me. I feel like the thing that really sucks about being a girl is how much it takes from us when we’ve been raped or abused. And I can’t help but thinking about S and how when she drinks she almost always blacks out because it mixes with her meds. One time S got so drunk she had to be carried by M and A to the car and on the way guys were all “Does she need a ride?” “We could take her home” Yeah I bet you could you perverted ass holes. Take home the stumbling drunk girl that won’t remember a damn thing you do to her but will feel the impact in the morning. How is that fun anyway? The girl just lies here. She isn’t helping or moving might be mumbling but there is no dirty talk. You are actually raping her. And maybe it is because I am not a guy but I don’t see the fun. I wouldn’t try to have sex with a guy who was drunk off his ass (most can’t get it up anyway). That would just suck.
Back to girls getting fucked up… The pervs out there see that as like…..a fleshlight….that’s what the girl becomes at that point. Just an object. And it scares me for S because I have been there. I have had a stupid identity crisis after trying to pretend that it didn’t bother me. In my situation it could have been so much worse. God was looking out for me even if I was trying my best to shut him out. I never got pregnant and I didn’t catch anything.
To me it seems like a form of self mutilation. Scars show and it’s an adolescent thing to cut so I’ll just get fucked up and let guys fuck me. So I can kind of blame it on them but since I let it happen I asked for it……?
I just want to tell them all that it isn’t worth it.

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So there I was watching porn. Then I began to put myself in the girls place. I’ve watched porn for a while…at least to the point where I no longer go to the “Sex” category. I go to the DP or Gangbang…..or I put adjectives in the search bar like….extreme, brutal, or facefuck…..ya know..
Anyway back to me being in the girl’s place. I was picturing it and it made me think that I could handle being roughed up by a couple of guys. Or being bound and passed around guy to guy. Then it made me think about the society I live in. That a girl can get money if she agrees to have sex on camera with a man because now she is an “actor”.

Then I thought about Uganda and the girls getting kidnapped there. And the little girls abducted in other parts of Africa to be taken to the jungle and put in the “army”. The girls are not fighting. They use the boys for that. The girls are sex slaves now. Forced to do the very same acts I watch on my computer. Forced to do the same acts I have desensitized myself of to the point where I think I could be in that place.

What if I had the chance to be a porn star…..or take the place of an abducted girl about to become a sex slave.

What’s the difference??