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I decorate with books
Cut it up and get rid of the rest
M is leaving soon and I am about to lose my mind
I put on her what I had from my family leaving. I put on her what I had from my ex.

I guess the main thing is, we want to be able to have shared experiences. If no one knows what I’m talking about, then I am just alone. But if I find someone who has “been there” then I am interested. Did they take something for the better or worse from it?

I flirt with J hard core. I almost hold nothing back. But not so much flirting, as I give him all my attention. He is so attractive. I want his hands all over. I want to see him get sexy.

I saw W get sexy. That was nice. He is bigger than me but not “fat” and his hands felt good. But he stopped us… Still confused by that. The last time that happened I was sixteen. I was making out and getting hot with a 21 year old in the back of his car after a concert. I think I was still unshaved. I think that is what got him. Since puberty, I hadn’t shaved. I feel like I had though because I was cheating on C. And C and I had sex often. C had actually asked me to shave…. So I guess I had to have been clean for this guy, who is P. Anywaaayy…..P and I were foolin around, he pulls down his pants (my bottoms are gone) and gets inside me. Then after a few thrusts, he just stopped…and couldn’t keep it up. So he apologizes after a bit. I say whatever….all that reassuring shit. He takes me home. Had an awkward time with M. Then he left. And I kinda stopped answering his calls. I never asked why he couldn’t get it up, but we never tried again either so he just drifted away. That was nice and awkward.

So now I can’t even look J in the face. I kinda wish we had just fucked. It would be less awkward for me to pretend I hadn’t had sex with someone, than to deal with our cuddling and shit…

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It feels like I have been high this whole month. I kinda have.

When I was little I wanted to be in Playboy, as a centerfold. I wanted to he that girl. Everyone saw her and she was beautiful. They wanted her. I wanted to be her.

I also wanted to be a stripper. I wanted to dance erotically on a pedestal in front of people who couldn’t touch me and just feel and be sexy. It looked like so much fun. A part of me still thinks it might be. I could dance to some edm like a mother fucker.

I want to feel like I drip sex. I want to feel like I’m lusted after.

I mimic those women. I want to be the sex goddess on TV. I want to be WANTED.

I haven’t felt that way in a very very long time. It hurts. So I take it where I can find it. And I find it in awkward places.

I find it in constant texts.
I find it in flirtatious behavior.
I find it in physical lust.

I put it in my friendship with M.

I am talking to three guys because not one satisfies the lust part.  I don’t want them to.
I did get drunk the other night and cuddled with J….the kind of cuddling that gets dicks hard. But he wouldn’t get under my clothes. Then he just got up and went to the other couch. We were on our way to fucking and he stops. I  floored because this has only happened to be one other time (I was sixteen). Maybe I am way too sloppy when I am drunk. Maybe he is a nice guy (?). I don’t know and I am too embarrassed to ask. Fuck.

So that happened. I guess I am glad we didn’t fuck. Within our mutual friends list it makes sense just to not do that. Life would be awkward for a long while. I don’t know if he has the guilt to talk about it to anyone. I need to get him whiskey. As a thank you.
I shouldn’t get drunk. I am a slut. It just happens.

I still wish I were around someone that I just went blind with lust for. 
That’s my ultimate high btw. Orgasm. No other drug makes me feel like that and if I can find a guy that can give me that every time and if he can get me off with his fingers I would be his slave.
I know it’s really dirty but dude, I’m being serious. Which is why I don’t want to just leave it up to faith.
Therein lies my lack of faith to God to give me what I need. I fight him all the time.
D told me he liked the way I saw the world. That my friends is some sexy poetry. Tell a girl you like the way she sees the world and ohmagawd watch her knees buckle and panties drop. You’re welcome.

This is why I shouldn’t have sex. Or get drunk. I am irresponsible.

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Do our dead actually know what goes on in the world? Is that an issue a being of the next realm would really be worried about? What if it was just like meeting your cousin after like ten or fifteen years. You have to catch up. Or at the time the dead just feel the need to catch the first person the recognize up. But we find out those things really don’t matter now. Like the movie Wristcutters or something like that. The world was just….the world…I mean, in Jonah Hex the dead saw the living. We have lots of movies with the dead visiting the living. I don’t think we’d be allowed to visit. I think we will still be working towards something when we die. I’ve been told (I lack patience in research) there will be a new world and we will still have a job in the next world to come it is just a Godly world and a perfect world. Which can sound like we’re starting again, but we aren’t. It’s a job, and we have much if we prove worthy of it and little if we prove worthy to that. But there will be no jealousy or anger. We accept this because we know and expect justice. (The parable of the employer giving three men shares to invest for him, and then the verse that says When a man faces God he goes through judgment like flames and when he has been judged he will be saved or denied but if Jesus steps in and you are saved then you will be just saved as a man through fire. You will have what you have and be happy for it. Again I lack research patience and a memory)

I’ve been reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and it has me thinking fun thoughts.

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M and I have been getting high almost every night lately. She and her husband are leaving the state soon. We hold on to these moments. Here are some gems.

M- Man cougars are Panthers!
M- I just want to roll around on the ground and say how cool God is! Eeeeeee!
B- I basically just want a bookclub I get paid to go to. Like teaching 8th grade reading
M- What if I’ve been an adult for a while now and didn’t know it?
M- Why didn’t animated singing and dancing objects and animals scare the crap out of us?
MB- Innocent people are missing experiences so they seem incomplete as people. They could never fully understand you. You feel like you’re lying to them.
BM- Pangaea was Eden
M- This bowl is still weed
MB- Dial Up    Limewire, man. ALL. DAMN. DAY. “OK mom, I’ve gotta go out. There’s twelve hours left on my download. Just leave it open OK?   People like us are the reason stuff got illegal
MB- I think my granpa’s smart. We played puzzle together. They didn’t get done super fast. But everyone got to work on it. Even the kids. That was a really good idea granpa!
M-I lobe hearing sub-conversations. You’re at a party and hearing conversations inside [or outside?] Conversations. You’re talking. You’re texting. You’re making a scene.
M- for once the book store girl was a siren not a saint

image

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Of course he fell in love.
Back then
I made love
I didn’t know how to fuck.

So W gave her cousin L my number. He lives in Hawaii and does some sort of electric/construction. He doesn’t smoke anymore because it was too available and he didn’t see the point anymore
I want to talk to him.

A long time ago when I was about fourteen, we started talking on MySpace. Then he got my cell and we started talking on the phone. Then one night I was staying at E’s and he came over.
We did dirty things in his car and ended up having sex. We talked some more on Myspace and the phone after that…but not much. W says he was obsessed with me. At the time I didn’t find him all that cute. So I may have started to ignore him. Then I moved towns. So we quit talking altogether.

He was going to move out of state four years after that incident and he asked W to ask me if I would have sex with him again because he wanted a good send off.

Thing is, my motivations to see him make me feel selfish when I think about them. I want an escape. Hawaii is beautiful. He would help me with everything. He already wants to love me. I just don’t know a damn thing about him and he truthfully doesn’t know a damn thing about me either. But we may be both willing to start that bare.

And that would be cool. To start that bare with someone. Absolutely honest.

He hasn’t even contacted me yet. I am probably counting chickens before they hatch. Making statements and assuming. I am a hopeless romantic. And a slut.

He is a really nice guy though. Or was anyway.

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So I was thinking about what it means to be made in God’s image but also still being made from the world (the whole he took the dust and breathed life into it) and how Carl Sagan is right in one way…we are star dust…and how religion is still right…we are made in God’s image…they both coexist. God created everything so us being made of the items in space is still pretty dang amazing. I have minerals and proteins and things floating around inside me that meteorites carry millions and millions of miles. I’m pretty awesome cellularly.
That train led me to thinking about how the earth truly does feed me. Not just all my food grows on the earth but that the atmosphere actually feeds my cells. That the air doesn’t poison me.
Which led me to what it means to be separated from God. And I imagined the world and all it’s cells passing through this goo that surrounds my body. That too is God. So everything the earth gives me is filtered through God. But then God was lost….and the world is no longer filtered through my God goo. The world just touches me now. All harsh and basic.
And that is where we are now. Without our filter, without our goo, without God.

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I think I might be a Chimera. Is that weird to think? Maybe. It seems that I have one ear lobe attached and one earlobe unattached. I have heard it”s rare to have a dominant and a recessive trait present at the same time. One teacher told me I was part of an ear cutting cult and that’s why my ears looked that way. So I looked some stuff up online and found that one ear is either deformed, something that is called a mosaic where your cells just obey a different pattern on that certain thing (such as the making of ears), or a chimera which is having two completely different sets of DNA present at the same time which is something like a twin absorbing his twin but still keeping his DNA intact. I think I have understood that correctly. Anyway, I pick Chimera because it’s the cooler one and my mothers side does have twins in recent history and now my father’s side also. So maybe. It could explain why I feel bisexual.