It feels like I have been high this whole month. I kinda have.
When I was little I wanted to be in Playboy, as a centerfold. I wanted to he that girl. Everyone saw her and she was beautiful. They wanted her. I wanted to be her.
I also wanted to be a stripper. I wanted to dance erotically on a pedestal in front of people who couldn’t touch me and just feel and be sexy. It looked like so much fun. A part of me still thinks it might be. I could dance to some edm like a mother fucker.
I want to feel like I drip sex. I want to feel like I’m lusted after.
I mimic those women. I want to be the sex goddess on TV. I want to be WANTED.
I haven’t felt that way in a very very long time. It hurts. So I take it where I can find it. And I find it in awkward places.
I find it in constant texts.
I find it in flirtatious behavior.
I find it in physical lust.
I put it in my friendship with M.
I am talking to three guys because not one satisfies the lust part. I don’t want them to.
I did get drunk the other night and cuddled with J….the kind of cuddling that gets dicks hard. But he wouldn’t get under my clothes. Then he just got up and went to the other couch. We were on our way to fucking and he stops. I floored because this has only happened to be one other time (I was sixteen). Maybe I am way too sloppy when I am drunk. Maybe he is a nice guy (?). I don’t know and I am too embarrassed to ask. Fuck.
So that happened. I guess I am glad we didn’t fuck. Within our mutual friends list it makes sense just to not do that. Life would be awkward for a long while. I don’t know if he has the guilt to talk about it to anyone. I need to get him whiskey. As a thank you.
I shouldn’t get drunk. I am a slut. It just happens.
I still wish I were around someone that I just went blind with lust for.
That’s my ultimate high btw. Orgasm. No other drug makes me feel like that and if I can find a guy that can give me that every time and if he can get me off with his fingers I would be his slave.
I know it’s really dirty but dude, I’m being serious. Which is why I don’t want to just leave it up to faith.
Therein lies my lack of faith to God to give me what I need. I fight him all the time.
D told me he liked the way I saw the world. That my friends is some sexy poetry. Tell a girl you like the way she sees the world and ohmagawd watch her knees buckle and panties drop. You’re welcome.
This is why I shouldn’t have sex. Or get drunk. I am irresponsible.