It turns out you can be bulimic through the mouth, the vagina, and the soul.
I can’t explain what happens but I start to have these compulsions to binge. On anything. Food, drink, sex, spirituality, love, and then I feel the need to purge all of it too. I take everything in. I feel bad for living in excess so then I push everything out. I think I should be a Sith. Extremes man.
God is holy. God calls me to be holy. Yet time and again I realize I am not holy. My actions go against everything he has planned for me. The sad thing is it’s usually NOT deliberate rebellion. I just do something then after it I think, “Well fuck….” I didn’t really mean to do those things, but then again….yes I did. It’s like I forget God even exists for a while. Which is really sad. Or schizo….  Either way, all I have is to pray for cleansing and a renewed spirit and hope I remember that I want to be better. Maybe I should just buy a fucking vibrator. That might fix one issue.
This boy I am talking to right now is way to good for me. He says he has a past but I’m willing to bet some good money my past trumps his. He has a career, lives on his own, affords his life. I live on my own and barely afford my life even with my career. I do want to go back yo school though.
Maybe that’s my issue. I’m just not busy enough.


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