He’s like New York penthouse and I am like small town trailer park. He amazes me. I feel absolutely inadequate to him. And maybe because I have had such shitty boyfriends before. But this guy…there is something about him. He reminds me of this scene from rugrats where Angelica falls in love with this boy named Dean. He’s all cool with his leather jacket and tricycle. (Yeah I know, I’m laughing too) but once she gets his attention and they’re alone together he says something like, “You make me want to do something crazy, like jump from the top of the money bars or ride a bike without training wheels” Hahaha I know, I know…. But that’s how he makes me feel. Like as long as he was there I could do anything in the world. I could fly, literally jump from the building and fly as long as he said I could.
My biggest fear is that I will bore him. I’ve not usually been known to be a talker or someone to get out and do things. I have had trouble with anxiety and I don’t like doing things by myself. I don’t want to hold him down. He deserves to grow. But I want to grow with him.
He’s so sweet and accommodating to me when I visit. Again, I’m not a very thoughtful person. I try, bit usually my brain is selfish. I blame it on survival skills from growing up and dealing with abuse. But that shit is over now and he deserves the world. His heart is beautiful.
I just hope I measure up.



Freedom: state of being free rather than in confinement, exemption from external control. Power to determine action without restraint. Personal liberty, as from slavery, bondage. Liberation or deliverance, as from bondage.

Free will: independent of natural, social, or divine restraint

-We are the image of God. God has free will(?). God follows laws. We follow laws. God is only logical. So if free will exists, it only exists within these “laws” so therefore…..it can’t really exist anyway. Ha.-

“Condemned to be free” -Jean Paul Sarte

-So everything works out to glorify God. Does that make it a law of life?A logical truth. Something that cannot help but to just happen. Something even God “follows”?

“Your logic is not God’s logic.” If one tries to assert that God is beyond logic/comprehension, that his goodness (evil?) is beyond comprehension, then they have disqualified themselves from making any assertions about him.

-except for what we know He has told us of Himself-

You can’t have it both ways. Saying you know God, but that God is unfathomable. On what grounds could you insist tat belief is reasonable when it cannot, by definition, be accessed by us?

-I insist God exists because DNA and RNA and because mitochondria has its own genome. Because those membranes are made of other particles that work and function together to actually exist.

To be, to exist, is to be one way and not another. Saying God is beyond logic, is to liberate God from logic.

-So logic is a box? Logic is limited because it is…logic. By definition logic is a truth and a law. If you then say logic is unlimited, you are saying that even “chaos” is logic. That when things happen,or are, then it is logical. Merely by the fact that it IS. Logic can then be whatever IS.

Omnipotence is not intelligible. “These problems are only problems in appearance, not for a god who is beyond our conceptual capacities. If god exists in someone’s mind no matter what, then it really doesn’t mean anything for God to exist at all.

All of that is from reading God Is Not Beyond Logic by Matt Mc Cormick. From provingthenegative.com


Bf has been at my house for the last two nights. It’s weird having him inside my life and schedule. He asked me if I thought we could mesh our lives together and live in the same place eventually. I of course said yes. He also has been saying “when we get married” not if. Ha. I love it. I wear him out though. I have a high sex drive. He gets tired. I also have a puppy. Which in this stage equals a kid. So he’ll have to get used to that. And actually disciplining it.
It kind of scares me how “normal” our lives will have to get. I’ll miss the lusty part. It’s still here, don’t get me wrong, but there will be nights he won’t want to have sex, and I will have to deal.

My past has pretty much equated sex to love. So it’s hard for me when people say no to me. It makes me feel slapped. But I have to deal.


Romans 11

There is a remnant chosen by grace

For if their rejection is the reconciliation of the world, what will their acceptance be but from the dead

-So Israel failed, in order to save the world? Had they remained on the path, God’s love would still be available to the Gentiles, just in a different and stronger way.-

For if God did not spare the natural branches He will not spare you either

-Saying, if he let his child fall, even to bring you grace, do not boast because you are just as likely to fall. “The first will be the last”

For God has bound all men over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them.

-because we can’t bring ourselves to God.