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Can’t Be Sure

It takes me forever to make a decision.  Not precisely because I am indecisive.  With the big things it takes forever because I am terrified of it all turning out useless.  I hated wasted time and space.  Yet the more I look the more I see that I have just that.  I have wasted time in my life and space around me.  It drives me bonkers. Half of my life I have been told that I was lazy and couldn’t do anything but half-assedly.  Mother’s favorite words were half-assed.  Everything I did was just that way.  About fifteen years later I realize she was depressed and suffering from some postpartum.  Along with her own inadequacy complexes (having been a mother very young and not finishing school).  So now I forgive her, but I have to deal with the consequences of her actions on me years later.  Which brings me back to the fear of being useless. The fear of wasting time, money, and energy.   I want to go back to school so bad.  But I am terrified that I will end up doing just about nothing with it more than what I am doing now without it.  My life has a lot of silly fears in it.  I need to just give over and jump in.  Who cares what I waste.  It’s all mine now.  I CAN waste it.  That’s my right.  I’m not married.  BF doesn’t count.  We don’t live together.  I am allowed to waste my time and space as I see fit.

Reminds me of a song… Waste of Paint by Bright Eyes

My head feels weak and suddenly it is clear to see
It is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry
Like art could save a wretch like me
With some ideal ideology that no one could hope to achieve
And I am never real, it is just a sketch in me
And everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste
Of paint, of tape, of time

I don’t want my identity to rest on fear.

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