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I went driving around with my friend yesterday.  We smoked and pretended to house hunt  It was fun.  I’ve found this perfect “high”.  About two or three hits in, and I can still talk but enjoy being high.  Anyway, W and I basically drove through rich neighborhoods and picked apart the way they were built.  We complained a lot about their homes probably being underutilized.  I do not consider myself a jealous person.  I do not envy the items of other people. I do feel some sort of sadness though when I see people not using what they have to its full potential.  All in all it was a good time and I haven’t seen W in a very long time.

This is the friend I have had since fifth grade.  When we were in middle school we would talk about living together and raising kids.  Pretty much being lesbians without being lesbians.  You know, we’d still have boyfriends but they wouldn’t live with us.  We’d help each other raise our kids and they’d have two moms.  We were really weird.  I am sure there is some psychological issue hidden in there somewhere, but whatever.

Now my friend M is pregnant now and she lives about 13 hours away. So I’ve been thinking a lot about babies and pregnancies and being a parent and being there for your friends.  I KNOW that babies are not for me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want others to have babies or that I won’t love the shit out of my pretend nieces and nephews.  In fact the idea of them having kids around me makes my heart so fucking full I can’t explain.  It’s like it’s more people for me to love on and they’re extensions of these people which just makes the babies that much more awesome!

I had a thought last night, I don’t want to be a mom.  I want to be an Aunt.  I thought I wanted to be a mom.  I think I was just wanting it for the guy I was dating because he really really wanted that family life.  That family life isn’t for me really.  I am a better lover with some distance. I have a tendency to take people for granted and when they are away from me I realize how much I love them.  I would be such an irritated mom.  I have my fur baby.  And soon I’ll have a little glob of gooey smooshy giggles and burps to love on too.

All of this mess to say babies are not for me,  I can’t wait for M to have her’s, I like where I am in life with Bf we’ve been on the same page for a long time, and generally I am alright.  Still weeding out some bad habits but doing alright. Amen.

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If you aren’t willing to personally assist a single mother, a young couple, or any person/s in raising a human for 18 (and maybe plus some) years then you shouldn’t have ANY say in whether that individual (or couple) decide to get an abortion or put their child up for adoption. It is their CHOICE not yours. You can not make it for them and you should have no input in it because you ARE NOT in their situation. Unless you physically and mentally involve yourself in their lives as the child grows and do everything you can to help raise it YOU HAVE NO INPUT. So there.

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So I finally talked to bf about the weird PTSD I’ve been having.  I think that’s what it is anyway.  I mean, we go from using condoms, to not, and then I get all weird and remember all these past times where sex was kinda forced or just uncomfortable.  Basically where I flt I had zero control.  So I told him about it, I prefaced with reassuring him that it was nothing he was doing or that he had done, it wasn’t the way he was treating me and I did not think he was lying to me when he said he loved me.  It was me remembering some bad experiences at inopportune times.  He was very receptive of it, and told me that he would support whatever needed to happen whether it was talks before and/or after sex, more communication during, or even taking a break.  I pretty much fell in love with him all over again for that.  He didn’t take offense or think there was something wrong with me and he didn’t just tell me to get over it.  I really can’t believe how understanding this guy is or how logical and even-minded.  I flippin love him.  So I don’t know what I need exactly but the fact that he is patient and willing to figure it out with me is amazing and a God send.  I win.

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Haunted

The things I am haunted by have no influence on my life now other than what I give them in my head.  I am haunted by my first boyfriend and how he forced himself on me more than once.  Which ha led me to be weird about sex and what I give into. For instance, I liked not being on BC because then no guy could finish inside me.  Which kept me apart from the act and the person emotionally.  Now, however, I am dating this guy and I got BC and for the first time in our six and  half months of dating he finished inside me.  I know this is a little TMI but it’s my blog and this is significant to me.  Because I am not a virgin I only have so much to actually “give” someone I have strong feelings for.  And this is a big deal to me.  And when it happened I had to tell myself over and over that, “This is different. This is different.  He really loves me. He loves me. This isn’t all he wants.”

I am haunted by the dumb things I have done when I was depressed and slightly psychotic.  I basically used sex as a form of self mutilation.  I felt like garbage so i let people treat me like garbage.  Because if they treated me that way then i didn’t have to love them.

I am haunted by the times I took advantage of the good people in my life.

I am haunted by the words of my mother and the lack of words from my father.

The thing I forget sometimes is that, ghosts are weightless.

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Happy April Fools Day!  There will be no jokes from me.  I don’t like to deceive people.  It hurts my feelings.

Last night I threw out the last bit of weed I had, along with my little one hitter.  It was so sad.  The weed was just floating on the water and poor little rosebud had to go to the trash.  Yeah, I named my pipe.  It was a cute little wooden thing with a brass bowl.  It was a little thicker than a cig but not as long.  She was cute.  I do this every few years.  I get into some kind of drug, binge for a month then throw everything out because i can’t handle lying to the people I love. Also, i wouldn’t want to let down my bf.  I feel like he has some expectations of me and something like that would just lower me a litte in his eyes.  I couldn’t handle that.

On another note, I got the IUD inserted yesterday.  I chose the hormone free copper Paragard.  Getting it inserted felt absolutely disgusting.  The pain, was just like bad menstrual cramps, but add that to the crazy feeling of things inserting your cervix/uterus….YUCK.  Things aren’t supposed to touch those inside parts.  I guess it was just weird that I could feel it.  I got a little dizzy during the procedure but afterwards I was ok.  I took three Midol before and I think that helped with the after cramps because  was able to work fine (and I am a massage therapist so I am on my feet all day).  My cervix is a little bruised and I am kinda glad bf and I won’t see each other until Saturday.  It gives me time to heal.  He’s actually been really sweet and supportive through the whole thing.  It benefits him too.  The Pragard gives me 10 (!!!!!!!!!!) years of birthcontrol.  TEN!!!!!! YEARS!!!!!  I’ll get checked with an ultrasound in a month, then after that it only gets looked at during yearly gyno check ups (unless something weird happens).  I am happy with my choice.