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Haunted

The things I am haunted by have no influence on my life now other than what I give them in my head.  I am haunted by my first boyfriend and how he forced himself on me more than once.  Which ha led me to be weird about sex and what I give into. For instance, I liked not being on BC because then no guy could finish inside me.  Which kept me apart from the act and the person emotionally.  Now, however, I am dating this guy and I got BC and for the first time in our six and  half months of dating he finished inside me.  I know this is a little TMI but it’s my blog and this is significant to me.  Because I am not a virgin I only have so much to actually “give” someone I have strong feelings for.  And this is a big deal to me.  And when it happened I had to tell myself over and over that, “This is different. This is different.  He really loves me. He loves me. This isn’t all he wants.”

I am haunted by the dumb things I have done when I was depressed and slightly psychotic.  I basically used sex as a form of self mutilation.  I felt like garbage so i let people treat me like garbage.  Because if they treated me that way then i didn’t have to love them.

I am haunted by the times I took advantage of the good people in my life.

I am haunted by the words of my mother and the lack of words from my father.

The thing I forget sometimes is that, ghosts are weightless.

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