The things I am haunted by have no influence on my life now other than what I give them in my head. I am haunted by my first boyfriend and how he forced himself on me more than once. Which ha led me to be weird about sex and what I give into. For instance, I liked not being on BC because then no guy could finish inside me. Which kept me apart from the act and the person emotionally. Now, however, I am dating this guy and I got BC and for the first time in our six and half months of dating he finished inside me. I know this is a little TMI but it’s my blog and this is significant to me. Because I am not a virgin I only have so much to actually “give” someone I have strong feelings for. And this is a big deal to me. And when it happened I had to tell myself over and over that, “This is different. This is different. He really loves me. He loves me. This isn’t all he wants.”
I am haunted by the dumb things I have done when I was depressed and slightly psychotic. I basically used sex as a form of self mutilation. I felt like garbage so i let people treat me like garbage. Because if they treated me that way then i didn’t have to love them.
I am haunted by the times I took advantage of the good people in my life.
I am haunted by the words of my mother and the lack of words from my father.
The thing I forget sometimes is that, ghosts are weightless.