I went driving around with my friend yesterday. We smoked and pretended to house hunt It was fun. I’ve found this perfect “high”. About two or three hits in, and I can still talk but enjoy being high. Anyway, W and I basically drove through rich neighborhoods and picked apart the way they were built. We complained a lot about their homes probably being underutilized. I do not consider myself a jealous person. I do not envy the items of other people. I do feel some sort of sadness though when I see people not using what they have to its full potential. All in all it was a good time and I haven’t seen W in a very long time.
This is the friend I have had since fifth grade. When we were in middle school we would talk about living together and raising kids. Pretty much being lesbians without being lesbians. You know, we’d still have boyfriends but they wouldn’t live with us. We’d help each other raise our kids and they’d have two moms. We were really weird. I am sure there is some psychological issue hidden in there somewhere, but whatever.
Now my friend M is pregnant now and she lives about 13 hours away. So I’ve been thinking a lot about babies and pregnancies and being a parent and being there for your friends. I KNOW that babies are not for me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want others to have babies or that I won’t love the shit out of my pretend nieces and nephews. In fact the idea of them having kids around me makes my heart so fucking full I can’t explain. It’s like it’s more people for me to love on and they’re extensions of these people which just makes the babies that much more awesome!
I had a thought last night, I don’t want to be a mom. I want to be an Aunt. I thought I wanted to be a mom. I think I was just wanting it for the guy I was dating because he really really wanted that family life. That family life isn’t for me really. I am a better lover with some distance. I have a tendency to take people for granted and when they are away from me I realize how much I love them. I would be such an irritated mom. I have my fur baby. And soon I’ll have a little glob of gooey smooshy giggles and burps to love on too.
All of this mess to say babies are not for me, I can’t wait for M to have her’s, I like where I am in life with Bf we’ve been on the same page for a long time, and generally I am alright. Still weeding out some bad habits but doing alright. Amen.