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Why I WANT to move in with Bf:

*It’s an adventure.  For the longest time I have been feeling stagnant at home.  I hate where I live and I’m done with the area.  I feel alone.  Most of my friends there are either very busy with their lives (kids, school, demanding job) Or they mostly sit at home and smoke pot.  Now, I’ve smoked too.  Sometimes i get such a craving for it especially after a very full week of giving other people massages and aiding their aches and pains.  I have my own.  I could just get a massage where I work bbut truth be told, I do not like massages.  I have to surrender too much of my body and it reminds me too much of getting molested.  Ugh.  So, back to the adventure.  I want to move.  I’ve been wanting to move for a long time now.  I’ve been begging God to send me somewhere.  I thought maybe he’d send me to Texas with my family, but then I met Bf.

*I feel happy in his condo.  There is so much sun here.  The windows don’t directly face the light but the get so much reflection it lightens my mood almost instantly.  My apartment feels like a dungeon.  There is hardly any natural light.

*I love him.  This is (what I feel like) my first “adult” relationship.  We’ve been making long distance happen.  For about nine months now we have been choosing to live like this and be happy about it.  I mean yes it sucks not seeing him during the weekdays but I get the weekends.  It’s somewhat consistent.  I accept that he will go out with friends on week nights when I’m two hours away at work.  There is no jealousy because what would be the point?  I’m in a different town at work.  What do I expect him to do in his down time?  Pine over me??  Nope.  That’s silly.  I trust him, and know he’s not getting random numbers or flirting with random bodies.  He loves me and he’s loyal.

*He takes good care of me.  He reminds me of my appointments.  He brings me coffee in bed sometimes.  He tells me how much I mean to him so often.  He makes me feel validated and like I am a human being, not just a toy he gets to play with.  He WANTS to take care of me.

*His intentions are long term. We have had this discussion more than one.  He wants to “settle down” with someone and he wants to choose me.  He sends me articles with titles like, “How to tell if You’re Ready to Move in together”  “Six Signs of a Mature Relationship,” “Things to Discuss Before Moving In.”  I love how intentional he is and I love that he checks in with me.

*He is a good teacher.  He doesn’t get frustrated with me when I’m learning something. Even when I get flustered, he’s still very patient. The rare times he gets flustered, he apologizes for.  Basically, he doesn’t make me feel like an idiot even when I know nothing.

*The city he live in is pretty cool.  It’s very outdoorsy and the people are, in general, very friendly.  I’m still a little nervous getting around it, but that’s to be expected.  With my nervous nature as it is.

There are more I am sure, but these are just some highlights.  There are plenty of reasons in his person for why moving in with him seems like a good idea, but then the list would turn into Why my Bf makes me Happy instead of reasons to move in.  I mean, as far as the area, what else do you check for before moving in?  My job transfers well to just about any community.  It would be cool if I could work at a rehab facility or hospital. In my heart, I’m excited and terrified at the same time.  I want to do this, but I’m so comfortable where I am at home.  Regardless of the boredom I still know what to expect out of life there.

It’s Adventure Time girl.

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SO I met Ex at Steak n Shake.  We did just a little bit of catching up.  It seems like all of the people we knew are now having kids or getting married.   Neat.  And here I am talking about moving in with my Bf before engagement or marriage.  Heathen.  Anyway, after catching up and such we went outside and talked about the real stuff.  So I sat on the back of my car and he leaned on the roof.  He begins with, “Do you remember what I asked you on my way to Passion?”

Me- “I don’t remember right off the top of my head, no.”

Ex- “When I asked if I had ever raped you.”

Me- Ugh…”Oh yeah, I do remember that.”

Ex- “Well, I know that you said no but I still feel that I acted out of character. I acted like an animal.  And you don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

Me- Awkwardly trying to not make a joke or run away

Ex- I was rough and aggressive.  We are not animals.  I treated you like one,and I’m sorry.

Me- Ok

(Preface:  At some point in our relationship Ex decided we needed to stop having sexual relations of all kinds.  Then he got incredibly involved in church)

Ex- I would also like to apologize for being graceless in our relationship.  I was trying so hard to be perfect and I put that on you.  I wanted us to be perfect.  I hope that by holding you to those standards, I didn’t ruin your relationship with God.  We aren’t perfect beings.  I’m sorry I put that on you.

Me-  I know that your heart was in the right directions.  As Christians we do strive to be like Jesus and so I don’t blame you for any of that.  I knew where you were coming from and it hasn’t ruined or altered my relationship with God as far as I can tell.  As for the sexual things, I feel I may have encouraged the actions, but I also forgive you of that.

Then we chatted a little to bring the mood back up.  Funny things his friends have said or done.  That sort of thing.  I don’t really know what to make of the apologies.  They kind of tripped me up.  I never blamed him for any of it and after truly being raped by C I never thought what Ex did was super close.  There were times where he pushed past my irritated “I don’t want to right now”  So then I think maybe after the real rape I never really said no to anyone again because I didn’t want to be forced.  So a resignation was better.  Or maybe I am over thinking it all completely.  There may be some truth to the trauma, but I never felt threatened by Ex.  Sometimes a little used, but I still think I did that to myself.  Ah well.

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Bf and I made it through a roadtrip vacation and back without killing each other.  Without arguing even.  I think we each got a little irritated at some point but not exactly at each other.

The first night we arrived in Tx at my parents’ house and we made sure the dogs wouldn’t kill each other then went to sleep.  When we woke up Mother and Bf were re-introduced and Mother took us on a tour of her neighborhood.  She loves that dang golf cart and goes riding almost every night.  So she told us about everyone and their mother and house.  Suggested a few “For Sale” homes at me and Bf (she wasn’t even trying to be subtle).  Then we jumped in the lake.  When Step Dad came home we went out on the boat and swam with them.

Day Two we lollygagged around the house, went swimming, and that night we drove out to Austin to stay with my Sister.  She lives about three hours away from the Parents so we arrived late and just slept.  The next day we went out to eat at a place called Torchy’s and OH MY JEEZE the best flippin tacos either of us have ever had in the life of all tacos.  AH- MAZING. Then we traveled to the Botanical Gardens and sweated our way through some flowers and trees.  After that we went to Barton Springs and cooled off.  We made the dog walk in the water with us to get him used to it.  Bf thought it was too cold and spent most of the time on a high rock, but I loved it and pretty much lied out in the water as much as possible.  We also met Sister’s Bf.  Nice guy.  A little toolish at first but she loves him so whatever.   Then we went home and crashed.

Day Four in Austin we woke up and had breakfast at Torchy’s.Where we met my sister’s good friend A.  She was a sweetie and gave us hugs when she met us.  We then went to the Downtown Historic area of Austin and walked around looking at shops.  We had Noodle  (the dog) with us and at one point he just lied in the grass and wouldn’t move because it was so dang hot.  So we stopped and chilled with him for a bit. Then I made Sister drive us through the actual city area.  Which was a mistake because she almost killed us by merging into a giant truck.  Bf was totally freaked out.  He was so quiet on days three and four I thought he was running out of energy.  Turns out…no….he was just very overwhelmed by my sister and her spazzy brain.   That night we had pizza at a food truck then went to Congress Bridge to see the bats.  The bats were a no show though.  Which kinda sucks for Bf.  I had seen them before and they were really cool so I was disappointed when they didn’t turn out.  I told him we’d have to try again.  After the bats we went back to the parents’ house.

The rest of the days were spent at the house on the lake.  Dad made brisket on Friday and ribs on Saturday.  We hung out with the family and took it easy.  Sunday morning we headed back home to Tn.

During all this Bf asked me to move in with him.  Legitimately move in with him, not teasingly as we had been talking.  We have a date now.  Since my lease is up at the end of October, he suggested that we begin the process by about September 21  (our dating anniversary).  YIKES!  Three months.  I’m completely freaking out.  So soon!!  He’s going to me when I’m not all that put together!!  I’m going to move to a different city!  I have to get a new job!  What if we can’t share space!!?  I’ve only truly had my own space for a year and a half now.  I’ve always been living with my family (in which I shared a room with my sister until I was 17) or had a room mate.  Sharing space is not an issue with me.  Bf however, is a little bit more particular about things than I am and has had his own way with space for a little bit longer than I have.    Ah well. More to discuss and more to come.

Texas
Texas

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Car died the other day. Bf lives two hours away and he was talking me through what needed to happen in order to get the car working again. The previous night was filled with mini disasters (broke a dish, roach in the bedroom, that kind of stuff). When I get stressed I shut down an get quiet. I was talking on the phone to Bf during the quiet time and he got worried and asked if he should come to me. I tell him no because honestly I didn’t think there was anything he could do. While I’m at work he shows up anyway. He jumps my car, takes it away, his father and he put a new alternator, battery, and coolant reservoir in it. Ecstatic. He pays for all of it though. And I offer to cover it but he says no because the other day I had expressed worries over not working for a week while we go to Tx (in his car).  So he pays for it all. And I don’t know how much I like that yet. Just because we aren’t married or even living together and I feel like that kind of stiff should happen during those times. Unless necessary. And I told him I had the funds to cover it. I just don’t want him to think he has to take care of me like a child. Because honestly I feel that way sometimes. In little ways. Like I missed these valuable life skills and he’s been teaching them to me. And now that I wrote it out like that, it doesn’t seem so childish. I guess I just don’t like feeling as if I’m stumbling. It’s like…..he’s an adult and I’m a preschooler. INADEQUACY COMPLEX.

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I saw a rabbit on the trail for the first time today. They’ve been all over the complex lately. My dog decided to chase one at 5am one day. We weren’t friends for a good ten minutes after that. At least it was so early no other dogs were out to doubly distract him. Bf got a call from my ex, T, the other day. T  asked his permission to call me and have a discussion about something that was going on in T’s life. Bf consented. It’s been two days and I haven’t gotten a call yet. If I think about it, the only thing I can maybe see T wanting to discuss is possibly cutting ties through social media. Bf made a joke about an engagement ring recently (he posted a link to some black and pink cubic zirconia ring from Sears) and it might be running through T’s head. No one knows but T anyway so I’ll just have to wait.

In other news my BFF’s little nugget is growing and it can be seen on the ultra sound!! He looks like an eggplant 😉 I can’t wait to smoosh his face!!!

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Bf and I went kayaking this past weekend.  That was a trip.  To be honest I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the thought of being “trapped” waist down in a smallish boat with a helmet, a dry top, and a life jacket on.  I am slightly terrified of water.  I love it, when I have full access to all of my limbs.  So going into it with those thoughts I was a touch apprehensive.  Turns out it was a  lot of fun though.  Nothing I want to adopt as a hobby, but I am glad I got the experience in.  The first day was a meet and greet.  We camped with Bf’s neighbors and their kayaking friends.  Lots of beer was had.  One guy got very very drunk but somehow managed to kick my ass at cornhole. Go figure.  The second day we got all of our gear together and went to the lake with the instructor and learned how to get ourselves out of the kayak.  What they call Wet Exists.  So basically, you have this “skirt” on that forms a rather water tight seal.  There is a loop in front of you, and when you flip upside down you pull the loop and fall out of the boat. Then we learned strokes and how to control our boats.  The one I was using was impossible to control and I pretty much felt like I was in one of those damn spinning teacups at a carnival.  Then we took it to an easy section of the river and at the launch one of the students tipped and popped his shoulder out of place.  That was gross.  I saw it happen and as soon as he came out of the water I could see that extra bump on his left shoulder and I wanted to cry (my knees pop out of place sometimes and so I know it’s not a fun happening).  Luckily as he raised his arm and lowered it while Instructor assessed the damage the bone fell back in.  The rest of us continued on with no incident.   The next day we got on a rougher part of the river.  The instructor outfitted me with one of his smaller kayaks and I had a much better time controlling it.  In the calmer areas we practiced “rolls” which is what it sounds like.  You tip over and use the paddle and your hips to flip back up.  No one was able to do it without help.  The first time I tried it I got my head out of water but went back under, panicked, then pulled the loop for a “wet exit.”  Really, it was scary.  even coming out of the water I was a little afraid because I couldn’t touch and forgot I had a life jacket on.  I JUST DON’T WANT DROWN!!! Ha.  Otherwise it was a fun weekend and Bf and I had a blast.  Neither one of us want this to be our new hobby (not to mention how flippin expensive it is just to get started anyway).  Neither one of us regrets going.  Win/win. Cool thing about the trip tough, I didn’t feel ridiculously clingy.  Still awkward around the other people but I just told myself over and over that I was under no obligation to make conversation.  It takes me a while to warm up to people.  It’s who I am.  I’m not going to force it.  So yeah, good trip, fun stuff, probably never going to kayak again.

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