SO I met Ex at Steak n Shake. We did just a little bit of catching up. It seems like all of the people we knew are now having kids or getting married. Neat. And here I am talking about moving in with my Bf before engagement or marriage. Heathen. Anyway, after catching up and such we went outside and talked about the real stuff. So I sat on the back of my car and he leaned on the roof. He begins with, “Do you remember what I asked you on my way to Passion?”
Me- “I don’t remember right off the top of my head, no.”
Ex- “When I asked if I had ever raped you.”
Me- Ugh…”Oh yeah, I do remember that.”
Ex- “Well, I know that you said no but I still feel that I acted out of character. I acted like an animal. And you don’t deserve to be treated that way.”
Me- Awkwardly trying to not make a joke or run away
Ex- I was rough and aggressive. We are not animals. I treated you like one,and I’m sorry.
(Preface: At some point in our relationship Ex decided we needed to stop having sexual relations of all kinds. Then he got incredibly involved in church)
Ex- I would also like to apologize for being graceless in our relationship. I was trying so hard to be perfect and I put that on you. I wanted us to be perfect. I hope that by holding you to those standards, I didn’t ruin your relationship with God. We aren’t perfect beings. I’m sorry I put that on you.
Me- I know that your heart was in the right directions. As Christians we do strive to be like Jesus and so I don’t blame you for any of that. I knew where you were coming from and it hasn’t ruined or altered my relationship with God as far as I can tell. As for the sexual things, I feel I may have encouraged the actions, but I also forgive you of that.
Then we chatted a little to bring the mood back up. Funny things his friends have said or done. That sort of thing. I don’t really know what to make of the apologies. They kind of tripped me up. I never blamed him for any of it and after truly being raped by C I never thought what Ex did was super close. There were times where he pushed past my irritated “I don’t want to right now” So then I think maybe after the real rape I never really said no to anyone again because I didn’t want to be forced. So a resignation was better. Or maybe I am over thinking it all completely. There may be some truth to the trauma, but I never felt threatened by Ex. Sometimes a little used, but I still think I did that to myself. Ah well.