62215

SO I met Ex at Steak n Shake.  We did just a little bit of catching up.  It seems like all of the people we knew are now having kids or getting married.   Neat.  And here I am talking about moving in with my Bf before engagement or marriage.  Heathen.  Anyway, after catching up and such we went outside and talked about the real stuff.  So I sat on the back of my car and he leaned on the roof.  He begins with, “Do you remember what I asked you on my way to Passion?”

Me- “I don’t remember right off the top of my head, no.”

Ex- “When I asked if I had ever raped you.”

Me- Ugh…”Oh yeah, I do remember that.”

Ex- “Well, I know that you said no but I still feel that I acted out of character. I acted like an animal.  And you don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

Me- Awkwardly trying to not make a joke or run away

Ex- I was rough and aggressive.  We are not animals.  I treated you like one,and I’m sorry.

Me- Ok

(Preface:  At some point in our relationship Ex decided we needed to stop having sexual relations of all kinds.  Then he got incredibly involved in church)

Ex- I would also like to apologize for being graceless in our relationship.  I was trying so hard to be perfect and I put that on you.  I wanted us to be perfect.  I hope that by holding you to those standards, I didn’t ruin your relationship with God.  We aren’t perfect beings.  I’m sorry I put that on you.

Me-  I know that your heart was in the right directions.  As Christians we do strive to be like Jesus and so I don’t blame you for any of that.  I knew where you were coming from and it hasn’t ruined or altered my relationship with God as far as I can tell.  As for the sexual things, I feel I may have encouraged the actions, but I also forgive you of that.

Then we chatted a little to bring the mood back up.  Funny things his friends have said or done.  That sort of thing.  I don’t really know what to make of the apologies.  They kind of tripped me up.  I never blamed him for any of it and after truly being raped by C I never thought what Ex did was super close.  There were times where he pushed past my irritated “I don’t want to right now”  So then I think maybe after the real rape I never really said no to anyone again because I didn’t want to be forced.  So a resignation was better.  Or maybe I am over thinking it all completely.  There may be some truth to the trauma, but I never felt threatened by Ex.  Sometimes a little used, but I still think I did that to myself.  Ah well.

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