So I have officially informed my boss that my last day will be in Sept. I almost cried, she almost cried. She told me that she was excited for me and to definitely use her as a reference. I’m glad I have a good relationship with her and my coworkers, but that is precisely why it is so hard to leave them. Why can’t I just take them with me??! I hope my new job is just as pleasing to work for.
The move in date on my shared calender with Bf is titled “Shit Gets Real.” And boy does it ever. This will be the second time I live with a boyfriend, but it really feels like the first time (insert Modanna Like A Virgin). I guess it feels that way because before C and I lived on our own he lived with me and my family for about a year so there wasn’t a difficult transition. Yet with Bf I feel like this is the first “adult” relationship I’ll be entering so everything feels so different so much so as to be the “first” time.
My life has turned into a Modanna song.
Last night I had a dream that I was still together with C. I remember thinking in the dream about how I can get away to see J (my now bf). I was trying to get C to go home without me so I could get a ride home with J. There was a storm brewing in the background and I was hoping to get caught in it with J. There was a time in the dream where I was telling C to go ahead, when I realized that I wasn’t dating him anymore and I didn’t have to hide anything. I remember getting up and leaving the room, getting in the car with J. I remember holding his hand, him kissing my hand, and then when he dropped me off at my house kissing him and then telling him to call me.
This my friends is the very first dream I’ve ever had with C in it that I did not try to kill myself at the end of it. Not literally, but in the dream. Every dream I have with C in it, I try to kill myself as soon as he’s left me alone long enough. This time I did not. So I guess I might be getting better?
Bf and I were driving to his place. We were well ahead of schedule and so we stop at a gas station and take a road called Volkswagen Drive. We see the building that’s all white with it’s hundreds of cars in the lot. We pass the TDOT building and then come across a neat little nature park. We pull over and get the dog out. There is a main road with one side being for pedestrians and the other for motor vehicles. We walk down our side and see some paths in the forest area and some signs that point towards “off road” bike trails. Which sounds so fun to me. I’m not for riding a bike in the city, but get me to a park or a trail and I will have a ball. We walk holding hands then dropping them because the dog pulls us to one side or the other. It rained earlier in the day so the humidity is awful. We are both sweating very much and neither of us are dressed for this excursion. I had to wrap my hair up with my sunglasses because I forgot a hair tie. The heat was doing wonders for the Noodle though. It was wearing him out for a good sleep that night. We walk about a mile and half when we are told by a few signs that we have to turn around because only motors were allowed past that point. Which seems silly at the time and we thought about hitching a ride, but we just turned around because the walk was good for everybody. On the way back I started to think about a story we both had read about a hermit that lived in the woods somewhere up north. The hermit lived in the middle of a park very well hidden for ten plus years or so. He would steal food and camping supplies from the nearby town to survive. I was thinking about him and his life. AT one point the hermit is asked a question about himself, what he had learned about himself living all alone for so long. The hermit says he kind of lost himself. There was no, “self” because there was nobody to perform for. Which I find a little bit of a lie because he had a radio and books so he was influenced by culture at least a little bit. He had a personality even if he wasn’t showing to anybody but the trees. He had favorite songs and bands. He had favorite books and he had opinions. His preferences give him a, “self.” The main thing I was thinking of though was, “What was the point?” He had only himself to live for and his only, “work” was to steal. Why didn’t he just roll over during one of those harsh winters and give himself up to the world? At this point the man is just existing and only existing for himself. He’s not contributing to society and he’s not some benevolent forest protector or guide. In fact he’s doing everything in his power to avoid people. When I was about fifteen and depressed, that’s all I wanted to do. I wanted to simply exist without having to actually, “live.” I see how selfish that is now. I feel like the man was being selfish, but then I have pity on him because they diagnosed him with some form of autism. So does that excuse his behavior? His selfish needs and wants? I think the thing that most upsets me is that he stole. He didn’t, “live off the land” like what I feel a true hermit would do. He stayed close to society and leeched. He just avoided company. At times I get so anxious that I want to become a recluse and stay out of the world for a while, but I fight through it because I know if I let it take over I would let myself die. If I were living alone in the woods like that actually afraid of coming across another human being I would die. Or move to the mountains.
In the bathroom at work, the bottom half of the wall is brick and the top half is regular wall. I found this tiny rock in there and now I place it along the edge of the brick in random spots. I move it about every two weeks. So far no one has noticed. This makes me sad because it means I don’t work with anybody who pays attention. I mean…I found the tiny rock in the bathroom to begin with then I started placing it in random spots in the bathroom. Sometimes it isn’t on the ledge (which is eye level when you pee). I’ve put it on the top of the mirror, on light fixtures, and on the door. No one has noticed anything. Kind of bums me out. I want to go in and find it in a different spot. Then I can play a game with someone, “Find the Rock” We could start in the bathroom then expand to the whole store. At least until I leave in September. Bf want me to take the whole week off before I leave. So the 19-27. I’m still a little paranoid about missing so much work even though I know he can get us through about a month on his own. I like to work. It makes me feel secure. I like resting after work because then I feel like I deserve the down time. The prospects for a job in the new city look good though they all seem to pay less than where I am working now, and with a full book where I work now I can bank. Anything less than three a day for more than a week and my check gets much slimmer so it’s a bit of a gamble working here, but I’m usually very blessed when it comes to work and I am at least taken care of. I’m just nervous and feeling nostalgic. I will miss my first massage job. It was a good one.